We Really Do Like the Bad Boys, Don't We?

As Halloween has proudly descended on us once again, I started pondering the things that go bump in the night and what we are (or used to be) afraid of. The Boogey Man has gone by the wayside of child molesters, mummies have had their hey-day in the 50s, and I do not think a child would even scream for help if approached by one, and a once disturbing creature of the night is now sexualized and made into a superhero. When did vampires become so damn hot?

Why is something that feeds off and/or kills humans something to idealize? At some point in time, the vampire myth turned from awful into awe. When or why did this happen? Some could argue that ever since the legend was started that humans were meant to revere and fear them with a touch of wont, but there is a lot stronger evidence to suggest this is relatively new, thanks to the international bestseller Twilight series and the campy HBO hit True Blood, based on the Sookie Stackhouse novels by Charlain Harris. It was Harris and Stephenie Meyer (Twilight) who decided that their main vampiric characters would be the female's idea for a perfect male counterpart.

So, why vampires? Werewolves certainly do not hold the same esteem in literary or cinematic venues. First of all, vampires are still in a human form (most of the time, depending on whose version you are currently partaking in.) So, we can assume anatomically, everything is still, well, adept and familiar. Bestiality had it's heyday in Zeus' time and we got over it.

Next, nighttime is sexy. In most vampiric worlds, they hibernate during the day and stalk at night. This is not true of Stephenie Meyers' world, because well, her story would not have worked. You cannot have a relationship between a human teen and a century-old, teenage-looking vampire that only takes place at night--it doesn't make any sense. Even then, the Cullen's must stay in at least overcast, dreary conditions lest they "sparkle," so the weather conditions alone make the entire environment night-like. But in non-Meyer vampire worlds, a "creature of the night" is way hotter than "lurker of the bright and dusty day."

When I imagine a "vampire" I have a very vivid close-up shot in my head of Bram Stoker's Dracula when Gary Oldman's Dracula is about to bite Winona Ryder's character, Mina. I don't really remember much else about the film, just that part when her neck is exposed and he is salivating, and I am sure there was some very dark and broody music to establish suspense and drama. The key is they bite, not kill. YES, I know that they can kill, but in modern-day myths, they never kill the woman that has enraptured them do they? I mean, save for kindergarten, biting is subversively sexual. And not only that, it's where they bite that matters. Neck, inner thigh, wrist...all supple erogenous zones, all sanguine and delicious. A teenage hickey matured....

What else do vampires do? They drink blood...our life-force. So, if one drinks the life of another, it is a way deeper metaphor of "becoming one" than that of just plain sexual intercourse. In addition, blood is red, and red is the color of love and passion. I don't think it would have the same impact if blood were say, lilac. Gross.

Next, in both True Blood and Twilight, vampires have super-human qualities. They can run faster, jump higher and hear our damsel-in-distress calls via near-telepathy. I mean, this is basic Darwinian allure--survival of the fittest. The idea that your mate can destroy anyone or anything is always a turn-on. Also, in both of the previously mentioned worlds, vampires are designed to be attractive to humans. In True Blood, they call it being glamoured, but in Twilight, once you become the undead, you just become a better version of what you were before, an analog to HD version if you will.

Also, if we think in a quite layered way, the whole vampire-thing could be allegorical...a newer way to absorb Christian folklore. They die and are "born again," they are super-human, and they drink blood...an elementary story replayed in a fresh way, maybe we all need to back to church.

Lastly, and most importantly, vampires have eternal life. We are nothing if not vain, and we all think we are important enough to see civilization's errors and wins. I mean, how cool would it be to say "oh, I know the story of Jesus...I was there." Other than the self-serving aspect, the thought of truly living throughout eternity with your mate is one of our deepest desires...especially if they are as gentlemanly as Edward Cullen or Bill Compton.

However, this entire time, I have been talking about how hot vampires have become, yet I am speaking only of male vampires. The females however, are still a bit scary. Yes, the Cullen women are described as earth-shatteringly beautiful, but not sexy. In fact, one of the main villains that laces book one, two and three is a crazed, female vampire. Save for Kate Beckinsdale's character in Underworld, the female vampires are viewed more of Disney-esque villianesses. Maybe the world is sexist because both Harris and Meyer are females, and their oedipal tendencies created perfect male specimens. They even fall for sub-par human females...I mean if that isn't every female's Sixteen Candles fantasy I don't know what is.

It doesn't hurt that one of the reasons vampires have become so vogue is simply by the fact that Edward Cullen and Bill Compton are played by quite dreamy British imports that play their gentlemanly blood-suckers with enough panache and sexuality that make females from ages 15 to 50 swoon in their seats. Whoa run-on sentence! Robert Pattinson alone has caused an internet sensation. I believe the exact quote floating on Twilight fansites is "And then God created Robert Pattinson." Indeed he did.

Modern pop culture has had a LOT to do with making anything that is immortal (elves, Gods, etc) a cornerstone for beauty and lust, but vampires have recently made the checklist of all things enigmatic and lustful. As someone who has a vested interest in that she is moving to Transylvania soon, I hope that if there are vampires out there waiting to kill me they at least have the decency to look hot as hell...I wouldn't want my fantasy to broken by some Nosferatu-looking mother fucker.